Mid Life Crisis???

 So I’m learning as I age, as I lose my cute and skinny, that even my husband doesn’t treat me the same. Pretty, cute and thin get you all kinds of advantages in life. But when you start to age as a woman, well, even your man doesn’t look at you the same. I’m at that in between stage where I’m not young enough to flirt with but not old enough to feel protective of....

I wrote this a few nights ago and then thought naw and went to bed.  And now.  Well, honestly, I think I need a place to journal again.  I used to love to physically write in beautiful journals but I don't physically write very often anymore and it's slow and uncomfortable.  

The thing is, I am getting older (45) and even though my husband is older, his shaved head and grey beard seem to get more compliments than shame.  I, on the other hand, have more going on in my life than I can deal with.  You know real life things besides just hitting the middle of your 40's *gasp*.  But my changing hair color doesn't seem to get the same reaction.  It gets more of the pass over, sympathetic look.  You know, that she's past her prime look.  She's lost her worth.

Well, what happens to a woman like that when she's married to a man she loves but is clearly overlooked even by him?  I don't actually know because that's happening to me now.  I admittedly don't get dressed up frequently (or even take a shower every day during covid) so when I do I would like to think I would make an impression.  

But I didn't.  Not tonight anyway.  I knew we were going out on a date and I worked hard at it.  Dressed nice, colored my hair, curled it (I NEVER do this), put on makeup and sat patiently to wait on my love.  

He came home from work, look me over and said not a word.

I felt 2 feet tall and worthless. I'm not sure I've ever felt so hurt.

I will never be the knockout in the room and I'm okay with that but I would prefer to be something special to him.  Yes, I've aged, I've thickened. I was super skinny when we met and maybe he's disappointed now.  He was thicker when we met, got much thicker during our marriage and I was never disappointed.

He preferred me thin. I preferred him with a little meat on his bones and some humility.  And I will most likely never try to be thin or fit again.  Not for him anyway.  I might try for myself. And if I catch an eye out somewhere, I might try again.  And then try a little harder for someone else.

I've learned that I'm a fixture in this house, this marriage.  Nothing to be celebrated or noticed.  I take care of things.  I make sure there's enough toilet paper and the toilet's been cleaned occasionally.  Is there oil in the pantry to cook, what about flour, milk, cheese? There are groceries and most of the time, I cook a good meal.  I am the house keeper.  Nothing more.  This really isn't what I thought I would be when I got those fancy degrees. 

He prefers to spend his time at the "box", what CrossFit calls their gym.  This has been going on for years and now that we have a place in the country, he's joined a gym there too.  In fact, even if we have a friend there to help us build something, he makes them wait for hours until he's done his "daily workout" in town.  I'm not sure that's a good sense of priorities. 

Quite honestly, I prefer to be a loyal friend, a good friend, one who can be counted on to appreciate a gift or sacrifice.  I want to be the person who notices the changes in others, values their contributions and efforts. And when I'm all in, I'm all in.  Ugly or not, no makeup or not, I want to be present and contributing.

And please, don't ever let me take someone for granted.  Or not appreciate what they've done for me. Friends are precious and deserve our gratitude.

  

Stitch Fix Love

I haven't blogged in almost a year.  A year.  Good grief, it's no wonder my friends give up on me!  Most of the time I really don't think I've got anything important to say.  But I have thoroughly enjoyed reading blog posts on Stitch Fix reviews and thought maybe I'd share mine.

What is Stitch Fix?  It's a monthly service that sends you five articles of clothing which you can try on and mull over in the privacy of your own home.  You return what you don't want, even if that means all of it.  There is a styling fee of $20 each time but it works as a credit toward your purchase. If you keep everything, you get 25% off everything.  There is a style survey that you fill out to give the stylists an idea of what you like and you can also communicate with them by creating a pinterest board and leaving comments.  You can also request certain types of clothing, say for vacation or a night out.  I'm truly addicted!  They send me things that I wouldn't pull off the rack but end up looking great.  It pushes me out of my comfort zone.  So here is my review of my seventh fix. Sorry for the poor quality on the pics.  I guess I'm going to have to break out the good camera.

Stitch Fix #7

The last couple of fixes were a little frustrating to me.  A lot of the popular blouses are big and shapeless and do absolutely nothing for me.  I had left feedback on the individual items when I was returning them saying that I would prefer more fitted but I wasn't seeing a huge change in the items I was getting.  I finally figured out (through looking at blog reviews) that I wasn't being specific enough in my communication.  So I left a note for my stylist explaining that I was not curvy and had no waist, was relatively large breasted for my weight/size/height and that I needed clothes that were more fitted.  I also drastically expanded my pinterest board and tried to write comments about what I liked about the clothes pictured.  It worked! My seventh fix was perfect!!

 

First out of the box was this black Martina Slub Knit open cardigan by Pixley  ($54)

I love the style of this cardigan with the rounded bottom hem.  It's also extremely soft and comfy.  This has the potential to be a go to favorite. The price gave me pause because I think you could probably find something similar for cheaper but with the 25% off discount for keeping the entire box, it was worth it.  Kept.

 

 

 

 

 

I adore this Queensland Dolman Jersey top by Hawthorn ($48).  I had seen this top on other stitch fix reviews and knew that it came in a few different colors.  I was really excited to receive this purple.  I love the dolman sleeves and the fact that it hides the tummy quite well but is still fitted at the bottom.  It is very flattering!  Kept

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next up was the Cassy Cutout Detail sweater from Olive & Oak ($58).  I had reservations about the cut outs when I first pulled it out of the box.  After trying it on though, I fell in love with it.  The length of the sweater is perfect for me.  Being so short, I have a lot of trouble with length.  I don't like the price, but again with the 25% off, it's doable. 

 

I like it better paired with the jeans.  Kept

 

 

 

The Leighton Boat Neck knit shirt by Tart is incredibly comfy ($58).  Again, the price is high for me but I really liked how it fit.  It's a thin thermal-like material and is very different than anything else I own.  It makes a great casual outfit with jeans.  Kept

 

 

 

 

I got really excited when I pulled this out of the box.  I don't get the opportunity to wear dresses very often but I love them.  The Ernesto Striped Fitted dress by Hawthorn is so stinking cute and fit great!($78)  I actually don't mind the price on this.  It manages to be form fitting without the super tight backside that so many dresses have. The arms are just a little big but fortunately I know how to fix that!  Kept!

 

This was probably the best overall box I've gotten, although I've kept quite a few other items from other boxes that have become favorites and this is not the first box where I've kept everything.  I really don't like to clothes shop and I'm not very adventurous so Stitch Fix is great for me.  I also tend to buy a lot of the same color so it's forced me to expand my range.  It's very exciting to open the box to see what the stylist has chosen for me. 

Overall, the prices are more than I would normally pay (I'm cheap for the most part), but I've learned that if I find something I really like and that fits well, it's worth a few extra dollars.

I encourage you to try stitch fix, even if it's just once (although they obviously get to know your style better after awhile).   If you decide to try it, use my link and I'll get a small credit.  Thanks! https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/3978434

38 is here...

Well, it's here.  38.  Probably a good time to post a progress report. 

I have learned a few things in the past two weeks:

1)  I'm not going to see much change on the scale.  Really I don't have that much weight to lose, just fat.  And I'm building a lot of muscle so I'm not sure how that translates to the scale.  I was getting a little upset that the scale seems to teeter-totter between a 3lb range but then I reminded myself that that's not really the ultimate goal.

2) Measurements are not really a good goal for me either.  I was keeping track and other than my waist (down 3"), my measurements haven't changed.  If fact my arms have actually gotten bigger.  But (big smile) it's muscle.  See my baby gun?  I'm beginning to see some definition and that's exactly what I want.

 

3) I realized a few days ago that my legs are incredibly solid.  More so than ever in my life!  Of course, the skin on top is aging so it's not going to be as easy to get good definition.  And then there's the cellulite.  {Sigh}  But I'm getting good, solid, strong muscle so I'm happy.

 

4) Progress for me will have to be measured in strength, increase in reps, sets, etc. and visible change.  I have gotten much stronger over the last few weeks and exercises that were once difficult to finish are much easier and in some cases, I've added reps.

 

5) I have not suffered from any headaches in several weeks!!!  That's huge for me!  And I haven't missed Dr. Pepper at all. 

 

Overall, I'm doing well and I actually look forward to my workouts.  I'm kind of antsy until I get it done.  I'm always afraid something is going to happen and I won't get it in.  I even ran 3 miles Saturday night while we were camping.  It was a challenge because the park has a lot of hills but I still managed to get it done. 

 

My body hurts (in a good way) every day.  If it's hurting it's a good sign that I worked hard the day before! 

 

I want to give a shout out to my DH.  He's been working really hard the last couple of months, getting up early to work out before work.  His guns have gotten so big, his sleeves are having a hard time containing them!!  He has some awesome discipline and his hard work helps ensure that I will complete my workout.  I don't want to be left behind!!

The "new average"

In 12 days I will be 38.  Every year I think, "I can't imagine being thirty something."  And every year it happens.  And even faster than the year before.   I remember how old I thought the 30's were when I was 18.  And the 40's?  Life was basically over wasn't it?

How wrong I was.  As my mother said one day, "My body feels the age but my mind still thinks I'm 18."  Although I can't stop the march of time, I am determined not to go quietly. 

Heart disease runs rampant in my family. My brother died of a heart attack at 46, my father had a quadruple bypass about 16 years ago, my grandfather died of a heart attack in his 50's, the list just goes on and on.  Heart health has become very important to me so I started running a couple of years ago.  When I started, 45 seconds of running tried to kill me.  Now I can run a 5k without stopping.  I figure the best I can do for myself is strengthen my heart so if something does happen to me I will be better prepared.  I can't stop the bad family mojo but I can respond to it.

I always thought that my mom's side of the family was untouchable.  Most women on that side live to be very old women.  Yeah me, right?  Maybe I got more of those genes.  But then last Monday threw me a curve ball.  I found a lump in my breast.  It appeared overnight or at least it seemed like it.  I had one removed when I was 21 (the size of a large walnut) and it was nothing.  I wasn't worried then.  I was young and untouchable, right?  But now.....now I'm approaching 40 and it is much scarier.  So many women I know close to my age have had breast cancer.  I wasn't completely freaked because I do have a history of benign tumors and there is no family history of breast cancer.  Or so I thought.  I soon discovered that a cousin and an aunt have survived breast cancer.  Okay, that may have made my stomach drop a little, but they survived.  The women in my family are tough.  I resolved to get even tougher.  (As of posting, I am still waiting on a mammogram and ultrasound but the doctor thinks it is fibroadenoma, a benign cyst.)

And this brings me to what this post is really about.  I will probably lose some people here, so if you don't want to chance being offended, just stop here.

I keep seeing these posts on facebook about people just accepting the new "average" woman.  By which they mean a woman who is packing more than her share of extra pounds.  It bothers me.  A lot.  It's like an insult to women who work hard to eat right and exercise.  Women that are trying to achieve and maintain a desirable weight.  Now by desirable I do not mean runway model thin.  I mean a healthy, fit, strong weight.  I do not believe that God designed us to be this "new average" woman and here's why.  God provided us with healthy food choices.  Humans were the ones who took what was originally good for us and contorted it into unhealthy, fattening foods.  Injected things into it that does who knows what to our bodies.  God intended us to be hard workers, to stay busy, to work with our bodies.  Definitely not sit on a couch for a good part of the day.  If we had stuck to God's plan, we would not have a "new average" woman. 

I completely understand that our world is a different place now, that not everyone has a chance to work with their bodies anymore.  But that doesn't mean that we should use that as an excuse to give up on exercise.  Healthy meals are harder to prepare now.  Healthy ingredients are harder to find.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.  I'm as guilty of this as anyone.  But I'm working to change that.  Why?  Because I want to be strong and healthy!

Some people would say that I am extremely lucky to be naturally thin and what would I know about carrying extra weight.  Yes I am and no, I really don't.  But I do know what it feels like to be flabby and weak.  To get out of breath just walking up a flight of stairs. Just because a woman is thin does not mean she is toned and strong.  I also work much harder to maintain my weight than most people know.  I do not snack.  I eat sweets very rarely.  I stop eating when I'm full even though it's extremely tempting to keep going when it's something really yummy.  I don't always eat the best things for me, hence the flab.  And I'm learning that it is much, much harder to tone that up than to just avoid it in the first place by living a healthy lifestyle.

Being thin does not mean healthy.   Healthy and strong is not about pounds, it's about what those pounds are composed of.  Take two women who are 50 lbs heavier than me.  One could be at her optimal weight, healthy, strong and fit.  Yes, her measurements are bigger but she's in the right place for her body and she's beautiful (and probably gorgeously curvy, something I'm jealous of!).  The other woman may be carrying 30 extra pounds of unhealthy fat.  Every body type is different!  That is absolute truth.  But that is not an excuse to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, not get any exercise, and then demand the rest of the world change their view of what is attractive because of what you have made yourself into.

I also completely believe that some women have health issues that keep them from being able to exercise or take medication that force weight gain.  There are also those women who make an honest effort and just don't lose weight.  Those things are beyond their control.  I am not talking about those women.  I am talking about the women who are perfectly able to control their food choices or level of activity and choose not to.  That is their choice.  Fine.  You choose to be unhealthy but don't just expect the rest of the world to like it.  And don't expect the fit girls to just sit back and take the insults that come their way.  No, that girl that just worked so hard at the gym isn't just doing it to attract men (although I will concede that some probably are), she isn't doing it because she's vain, she's doing it because it makes her happy, strong, healthy, more confident and it just feels good.  Yes, it is much harder to eat healthy and work out.  I understand that there are time constraints (work, kids, other activities) but there are ways to fit in workouts (the short high intensity workouts are supposed to be more effective anyway).  And don't you want your kids to eat healthy too?  (That is something we personally struggle with btw, I'm praying it comes with time).  We should be modeling a healthy lifestyle for our kids. 

Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean for this post to offend anyone, but I do hope it makes some people think.  I may never reach my ideal body (and it definitely gets harder every year), but I'm definitely not going to just sit back and not do the things that will make me healthier and, hopefully, live longer.  Shouldn't we all strive to be the best version of ourselves?  I'm not talking about having the perfect body.  I'm not talking about being ripped and looking stellar in a bikini (cause really nobody wants to see this in a bikini).  I'm talking about being a fit, healthy, leaner version of me.  And if nobody ever sees it except for my husband, well lucky him!!  Who cares?  I look at it everyday in the mirror and I want to feel good about it.  (As good as I can at 38.  I'm not crazy, I don't expect to return to my 21 year old self.)

And while we're on that subject, if you see a fit woman wearing close fitting clothes, don't talk about her behind her back and question her motives.   She doesn't wear a bigger size because she doesn't have to.  She has nothing to hide, nothing that she's ashamed of and desires to cover up. She likes to wear attractive clothing and she should have that right without judgement that stems from jealousy.  (I'm not talking about clothing specifically designed to attract attention).

I've seen people complain lately on facebook that they don't want to hear about their friends' workouts or how much weight they've lost.  It makes me crazy.  These are "friends"?  Don't friends support each other in their successes?  These are people who are working hard, maybe harder than they ever have before, and they have every right to be proud of that fact!  We shouldn't worry that we are going to offend someone by sharing our achievements.  Personally I see these posts as encouragement, as challenges to push myself to do things that I might not want to do just because it's hard. 

So all this to say, I have ramped up my workouts and am striving for healthier food choices.  I would like to journal my progress here but I hesitate to do so because I might offend someone.    For all of my friends who post pictures of them lifting weights at crossfit, completing half marathons, getting their daily run in and the results of their weight loss achievements, please keep it coming!!  I am proud of each and every one of you and I love seeing what is possible.  I need all the encouragement I can get!

Hexies

I've been trying to finish up the many UFO's I have in my studio, but the sheer number is a little intimidating.  I think I counted 7 quilt tops waiting to be quilted along with numerous pillows and other odd projects.  The quilt sandwhich has always been my least favorite part of quilting so it takes a real effort on my part to complete that step.  In the last couple of weeks, I managed to put together and quilt two tops, both of which I've added to my etsy shop. 

The hexie top was actually finished a long time ago using a pattern by Amy Butler and fabric from the Aviary collection.  It was an interesting exercise for me because it was the first time I had used freezer paper.  The smallest of the hexies in the middle are cheater in my opinion because they are actually appliqued.  Well, not really appliqued.  Just sewn on.

I really like this pattern because it shows off a fabric line really well and comes together quickly.  I backed it with a bright green kona solid and hand quilted the outline of each hexie.

 

It's bound with a coordinating purple solid.

 

 

 

I really liked the way this turned out.  I love the opportunity to hand quilt so I'll probably use this pattern again.  I think the quilting pattern looks really cool on the back.

Like it?  It's for sale at https://www.etsy.com/listing/177296761/hexie-quilt

 

Peer pressure

When I first received Tula Pink's new book 100 Modern Quilt Blocks, I carefully studied every page just like I do all my quilting books. I had seen her sampler at the MQG show in Austin and loved it before I even knew it was from her book. In fact, I photographed it thinking I would like to do something similar one day. One day. Not tomorrow or the next day. One day.

At least that's what I thought.

I put the book on the shelf and forgot about it. Until I got a text from a friend asking if I had the book. She thought we should make it and use peer pressure to keep each other accountable. There are 100 blocks so we decided to make 2 a day and send each other pictures when we had completed each day. Two little blocks a day didn't sound that bad so I agreed. We started our little challenge in August. I decided to mimic Tula Pink's colors in each block to achieve the same rainbow effect and my friend decided on a group of Kaffe Fassett fabrics.

We started off really well. I even made blocks up ahead of time for the week we spent at Disney and our camping weekends. I faithfully sent pics every day while at Disney because I knew if I didn't, JLew would stop and I might lose her for good. This was her idea after all!

50 days of commitment is a lot but even if we missed a day, we made it up the next day. Until the end when we were both dragging and we let a few slip. Our challenge is over and while I think JLew has a few blocks left to complete, over all we did really well! I have to say peer pressure works!

Some days were easy and some days had way too many pieces, but I think we both learned a lot. I know I learned a whole lot about color combinations. I used all scraps and I started just grabbing whatever came up next. It made for some interested pairings that I wouldn't have planned.

Now we just have to get together to put these monsters together over a few bottles of wine and totally inappropriate commentary.......

(There is a block missing in the very center. Somehow I missed it, pretend you don't notice!)

Improv makes me nervous

I've been holding onto these fabrics for a while, not wanting to cut into them for fear that I would do the wrong thing. Something about cutting into a perfectly whole piece of fabric (especially when I know it's out of print) just seems wrong. And scary.

I really like the whole modern, improv movement in the quilting world. In theory, it's incredibly freeing and the epitome of creativity. For me it's kind of like spilling a whole tin of double fifteen dominoes on a wood floor. In a room full of screaming kids and barking dogs. Crazy chaotic mess.

But I want to create freely and peacefully the way I see the women in the books! So I calmly cut out some strips and pieces.

Well now I have to think! Nobody said anything about thinking! Just creating! But I'm determined so I start sewing and after a little while you actually do work out your own rhythm.

Actually, I kind of like it. But it is definitely a exercise in stress management for me. And it is kind of freeing when you let go of your control freak tendencies and let it just become. I may have to start doing more of this. It is so much faster than following a pattern and I really love the uniqueness that it produces. I might have to change the title of this post to " improv makes me happy"!