So I’m learning as I age, as I lose my cute and skinny, that even my husband doesn’t treat me the same. Pretty, cute and thin get you all kinds of advantages in life. But when you start to age as a woman, well, even your man doesn’t look at you the same. I’m at that in between stage where I’m not young enough to flirt with but not old enough to feel protective of....
I wrote this a few nights ago and then thought naw and went to bed. And now. Well, honestly, I think I need a place to journal again. I used to love to physically write in beautiful journals but I don't physically write very often anymore and it's slow and uncomfortable.
The thing is, I am getting older (45) and even though my husband is older, his shaved head and grey beard seem to get more compliments than shame. I, on the other hand, have more going on in my life than I can deal with. You know real life things besides just hitting the middle of your 40's *gasp*. But my changing hair color doesn't seem to get the same reaction. It gets more of the pass over, sympathetic look. You know, that she's past her prime look. She's lost her worth.
Well, what happens to a woman like that when she's married to a man she loves but is clearly overlooked even by him? I don't actually know because that's happening to me now. I admittedly don't get dressed up frequently (or even take a shower every day during covid) so when I do I would like to think I would make an impression.
But I didn't. Not tonight anyway. I knew we were going out on a date and I worked hard at it. Dressed nice, colored my hair, curled it (I NEVER do this), put on makeup and sat patiently to wait on my love.
He came home from work, look me over and said not a word.
I felt 2 feet tall and worthless. I'm not sure I've ever felt so hurt.
I will never be the knockout in the room and I'm okay with that but I would prefer to be something special to him. Yes, I've aged, I've thickened. I was super skinny when we met and maybe he's disappointed now. He was thicker when we met, got much thicker during our marriage and I was never disappointed.
He preferred me thin. I preferred him with a little meat on his bones and some humility. And I will most likely never try to be thin or fit again. Not for him anyway. I might try for myself. And if I catch an eye out somewhere, I might try again. And then try a little harder for someone else.
I've learned that I'm a fixture in this house, this marriage. Nothing to be celebrated or noticed. I take care of things. I make sure there's enough toilet paper and the toilet's been cleaned occasionally. Is there oil in the pantry to cook, what about flour, milk, cheese? There are groceries and most of the time, I cook a good meal. I am the house keeper. Nothing more. This really isn't what I thought I would be when I got those fancy degrees.
He prefers to spend his time at the "box", what CrossFit calls their gym. This has been going on for years and now that we have a place in the country, he's joined a gym there too. In fact, even if we have a friend there to help us build something, he makes them wait for hours until he's done his "daily workout" in town. I'm not sure that's a good sense of priorities.
Quite honestly, I prefer to be a loyal friend, a good friend, one who can be counted on to appreciate a gift or sacrifice. I want to be the person who notices the changes in others, values their contributions and efforts. And when I'm all in, I'm all in. Ugly or not, no makeup or not, I want to be present and contributing.
And please, don't ever let me take someone for granted. Or not appreciate what they've done for me. Friends are precious and deserve our gratitude.
